Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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