May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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