I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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