my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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