I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
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What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
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he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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