textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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