I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
