i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
