I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
