if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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