i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize