The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
