so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
