Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
