I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
