i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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