ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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