oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I AM VODKA MAN
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E