I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.