you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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