I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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