upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
