I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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