I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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