dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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