You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
