Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
