If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
