highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I look better un-naked...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
