Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
