I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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