god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
