i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
