So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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