I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
