Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
