I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
