So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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