If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
