Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
