dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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