Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
