i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
