I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
