Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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