I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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