he looks like a really good dad on facebook
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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