and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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