know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
