i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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