People with herpes should wear stickers.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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