Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
And then my night got REAL pukey
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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