ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
