Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
