She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
