I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
