My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
