Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
