Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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